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Radical Self-Compassion

and Empowerment

Coaching for Women

Are you overwhelmed?

Too hard on yourself?

Struggle with limiting beliefs?

YOU DESERVE SUPPORT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE...

Seeing yourself through loving eyes?
Freedom from negative self-talk and perfectionism?
Recognizing your worth and knowing that you are already enough?
Befriending your inner critic?
Replacing limiting beliefs and self-sabotage with self-love and compassion?
Feeling connected to your body and the divine in you?

Recovery from trauma, anxiety, and perfectionism is possible.

I'm Kristina, and I am a woman in recovery from complex trauma, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, disordered eating, and debilitating shame. Everything I've experienced has informed my mission as a trauma-informed Compassion Coach. I help women find SELF COMPASSION and SELF-LOVE as they do the gentle work of HEALING.

Compassion coaching is your path to liberation from the cycle of shame and being so freaking hard on yourself.

You deserve to give yourself the gifts of self-love and compassion.

The women I work with find inner peace and self-love through an intuitive process that involves a heavy dose of deep listening, self-inquiry, and creating a loving space for all their parts. As a holistic health coach and certified recovery coach--and as a woman commited to practicing radical self-compassion a thousand times a day--I want you to know that you can have a positive, loving relationship with yourself.

Learn More

You are worthy of love and support.

Let's be friends on Instagram! @Kristinajsmart

Happy birthday to the young man who made me a mom!

What a gift you are, @baileysmartz! Full of love, deep emotion, wisdom, and wit, you bring so much good to this world!

29 birthdays, not including your very first BIRTH day, at 1:07am, when your precious little you entered the world at 6 pounds, 11 ounces.

Keep shining your light, feeling your feels, and sharing your gifts. You are a dear one, a good one, the very best son I could ever have imagined! I love you so!

Happy Spring!

#poetry #rebirth #mentalwellbeing #mentalhealth #connection #selfcompassion

Do you feel your heart is open, then surprise yourself when you discover patterns like passive-aggression, deflective humor, sarcasm, cockiness, or guardedness?

Maybe your nervous system freezes when someone gets too close or says something that scares you or makes you feel uncomfortable. You snap into auto mode and start saying things that make you feel smart or clever or funny. But, in truth, your words are barbs, subconsciously meant to protect your scared parts.

It can be humbling to face that reality, that part of you hides behind salty words or a sharp tongue. It's not who you want to be. It isn't the open hearted, loving person you see yourself as.

More protector parts, shielding, guarding, and fending off potential enemies so that your sweet little parts don't get hurt.

All of your parts want to protect you.

Even the nasty, barbed, feisty ones that lash out or act smart or superior. Lean into those parts. Ask what they need. Listen without judgment. The more you listen, the less hard they need to work.

#internalfamilysystems #mentalhealth #radicalselfcompassion #defensemechanism #recovery #recoveringoutloud #therapy #cptsd

I don't know another way
Oh yes, of course
There are so many distractions
To feed my hunger
To fill the hollow
For just a second
And there it is again
I don't want to feel it
But there it is
Arising for my glance
For my hand to hold
Steadying my shaky insides
Insides that truly
Don't Want To Feel It
On the edge of becoming
If I just stay here
I want to run
I don't want to run
I lean in
I hold my own hand
There is only leaning in
There is only becoming
I have come this far
What else is there
But to embrace this feeling
And believe in my becoming

Thank you to @joseph.fasano for the inspiration.

#nervoussystemregulation #complextrauma #therapy #mentalhealth #radicalselfcompassion #poetry #traumarecovery #artist #writer #therapistthreads #InternalFamilySystems

Emerging from grief and trauma can reveal resilience and inner strength that you might not previously have been aware of.

When you are in survival mode, escaping pain with addictive behaviors, substances, or relationships, or just stuck in a dorsal vagal shut down, it makes sense that everything feels hard.

Nervous system regulation work is hard.

Staying present with feelings is hard.

Listening to your wounded parts is hard.

Moving your body is hard.

With support and tools, you can heal complex trauma. You can find your source, your meaning, your light.

It means leaning in to your core wounds.

It means developing a practice of actions to take when you feel emotionally dysregulated.

Like humming. Breathing. Coregulating with another human. Body work. Nature. Journaling. Crying. Creating mental and physical spaces for comfort. Reframing your internal narrative. Loving all of your parts. Dancing.

What works for you?

Get as much support as you can afford. Your psychological well-being comes before all else. Please, reach out if you need support. We are not meant to go through life alone.

#mentalhealth #internalfamilysystems #posttraumaticgrowth #therapy #traumarecovery #selfcompassion #recovery #radicalselfcompassion

Unless you do your healing work, your reparenting, and learning to listen to and love your little hurt parts, you will end up with the same relationship patterns. Your head says, "I want someone honest and faithful." Or "I want someone consistent and open, loving, kind, and affectionate." But if you've never experienced those things, your nervous system may not have the capacity to recognize them or receive them.

It doesn't matter what you say you want. Your nervous system will override your thoughts, your wishes, and your hopes in exchange for familiarity. If you don't address your trauma, you will likely find a healthy partner boring, or you'll get the ick...and you'll find yourself drawn to drama, chaos, inconsistency, and breadcrumbs.

Neural repatterning teaches your body a new, lived experience of familiarity so you no longer unconsciously seek relationships that affirm your childhood experiences.

When you do your inner healing, you learn to truly listen to your hurting parts . You stop looking outside of yourself for someone else to fix you, rescue you, or save you.

The truth is that YOU are the one you've been waiting for.

YOU are the one who will love you in the ways you've longed for.

YOU are your best, sweetest, most faithful love.

#internalfamilysystems #mentalhealth #neuralreprogramming #reparenting #posttraumaticgrowth #traumarecovery #familyoforigin #cptsd

Let yourself go there
Face your rage
The pain that simmers below everything
You keep trying to deny it,
And it keeps sneaking out
Own it
Hold it
Claim it
It is yours to feel, to scream,
To shriek onto a page
Or into a pillow
To a friend who knows
The truth of anger
Who knows it can't hurt you
If you release it
Who understands the burning
The chokehold
The skin crawling exhaustion
That comes from withholding
Pretending it doesn't exist
It's OK to be mad at the love that wasn't there
Or the injustices that were piled on you
The lies, secrets, denials, the bullshit
That were never yours
You might be surprised that it will not consume you
If you call it by name
Let it sit on your tongue
And give it a voice
You might be surprised at the tears
The burning, crushing, grief
That follows
Once you name your rage

#mentalhealth #therapy #selfcompassion #posttraumaticgrowth #traumarecovery

Self-compassion is learning to be present with all of your parts. Not just present, but curious, interested, excited, and genuinely enthused. I remember being 13 and feeling utterly devastated, lost, floating, groundless. My parents split up, and my dad moved out, and I felt unloved, unimportant, unseen.

She's still in here, my sweet 13 year old lost girl. The more I get to know her, the more I adore her. Self-compassion means I hold her in my heart with tenderness, with reverence for the pain she feels, and with glee and love for her sweetness.

As you hold this tenderness and compassion for your parts, they soften. They relax into who they were always meant to be. Hypervigilance and overfunctioning are trauma responses layered on top of and woven into our parts. As we listen, as our parts feel heard and cherished and valued, the trauma responses melt away. Those parts don't have to do all the work to protect us from further harm.

What a beautiful gift to listen to my 13 year old when she tells me she wants to dance, to run, to cuddle, to color -- to be a kid!

Self-compassion = healing.

#mentalhealth #partswork #therapy #selfcompassion #posttraumaticgrowth #cptsd #internalfamilysystems #healing #recovery

Compassion is the doorway to self-love. It melts shame and transforms it to love. Soft tenderness is the place I return to, again and again, often with reminders from my therapist or dear friends. Because I can forget. I can get stuck in dark holes. I can spin out and get tangled in maladaptive thoughts that somehow make everything all my fault. Twisting and writhing, scrupulously looking for evidence that I've done something wrong or am somehow bad.

Compassion is the balm for over-thinking, for paralyzing perfectionism, for suffering with self-criticism. Do you do this? If so, try to soften. Imagine your insides softening, your thoughts softening, your eyelids softening. Imagine your breath softening, your muscles, your jaw, your face. Everything. Slow your breath, and notice as your energy drops down into your solar plexus. Now, just be still.

Your thoughts will come. They will want to start hammering at you. Just imagine noticing the thoughts, even saying hello, I see you there.

Compassion.

Tenderness.

Curiosity.

Presence.

Surrender.

These are the best tools I know of to self-soothe, to find my way back to peace in each moment.

#mentalhealth #internalfamilysystems #compassion #selfworth #therapy #traumarecovery #posttraumaticgrowth #selfcompassion #recovery

Happy birthday to my mom.

It was a sad day for me today.

Grief is griefing.

Just as it should.

#griefandloss #motherdaughter #mentalhealth #familyoforigin #familydynamics #therapy

When we see that all of our parts just want to protect us from pain, we have the opportunity to embody compassion. Compassion for the parts or aspects of ourselves that we may feel disgust, frustration, anger, or impatience towards (and yes, let's talk more about our Inner Critics!). When we see the sweetness, the innocence of all our parts, we see the pure drive to escape pain. How can that be bad?

Holding those parts with tenderness and curiosity can give them a reprieve from the exhausting nature of their work. Reparenting looks like listening with a loving heart, asking questions to get to know those parts and their pain, and comforting them.

It is up to you to create safety for your hurting parts, the parts that are wildly functioning (with excellent skills that are simply misguided in your adult body). When you feel burdened by anxiety, perfectionism, panic, or fear, see if you can be still for just a moment. Rest your hands over your heart. Breathe.

And if you feel able and willing, silently remind yourself that you are safe. All is well in this moment. There is nothing you need to do and nowhere to go.

You are safe.

#mentalhealth #selfcompassion #traumarecovery #therapy #posttraumaticgrowth #perfectionism #youarewhole #recovery #cptsd

How to START feeling at home in your body.

If you have been disconnected, dissociated, at war with your body, managing other symptoms of untreated trauma, or have had physical changes related to aging, illness, or accident, connecting with and loving your body can feel impossible. Foreign. Abstract. Unfathomable.

For so long, I saw my body as an unfriendly alien. Something I hated that wasn't even a part of me. An abhorrent, despicable betrayal that proved I was unworthy and unlovable. I projected so much pain and shame onto my body, and all I could do was hate on it.

That's a painful thing to write and to share. And a horribly painful way to feel.

For me to even start to feel comfortable in my body, I had to begin to slow everything down to the bare essence. Breathing. Being still. Noticing sensations in different parts of my body. A tickle in my shoulder, tightness in my neck, twinge in my back, tingling in my hand. I had to get outside of my self-hatred and notice my surroundings, orient myself so that my nervous system could begin to recognize safety.

Later, I did mirror work. Gratitude practice. Journaling. Yoga. Dance. Body image and sexual healing retreats. Walking. Strength training. These practices helped/help me love my body. But I couldn't love my body without first learning to occupy it, to feel at home in it, to integrate who I am -- my soul, my personality, my essence -- with this amazing aspect of being alive that allows me to engage with the world around me.

Healing is neither linear nor absolute. I still struggle. But I have more moments of loving my body than not anymore.

So. Breathe. Notice your surroundings, and affirm your safety, if you can.

You are so lovable. ❤️

#edrecovery #therapy ##mentalhealth #bodyimage #strengthtraining #bodypositivity #dissociation #nervoussystemregulation #cptsdrecovery #traumarecovery

Winter Solstice

Let the light return!

Release what hasn't served you

What thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes are you ready to let go of?

Surrender what you will to the darkness

Make way for the coming light

Invite your desires

Whatever brightens - lightens - lifts your being

Bring these to your consciousness

Bring them to the light

Welcoming with warmth

This moment

These thoughts

These emotions

These intentions

Winter Solstice is here!

(I forgot to turn the porch light off!)

We are so very hard on ourselves.

This world

This life

These times

This existence

Calls for gentleness

And compassion

#mentalhealth #internalfamilysystems #selfcompassion #traumarecovery #recovery #cptsd #perfectionism #growth

One of my favorite therapists would respond, when I'd profess that I felt like I was a fucked up mess, "Are you kidding? We're all fucked up! I'm fucked up!". I remember the waves of relief that would wash over me as I allowed myself to believe her. Those words helped to dislodge my Miss Perfectionist part, loosened her up just a bit, so she wasn't constantly clinging and scratching at me like a sticky gob of tar that couldn't be peeled away.

She's still around but doesn't sit in the driver's seat QUITE as often as she once did.

If I could, I would run all over the earth, pulling the sticky claws of perfectionism and self-doubt away from every person's neck so that they could breathe. So they could experience a sacred pause, enough to see their own innocence and to know their sweet humanity.

I'm on the same messy path as anyone, stumbling and fumbling my way around, trying, oh, so hard to do so with love, curiosity, and compassion.

The more compassion I embody, the more expansive and receptive I am to the beauty of each moment, the pain that brings opportunities for growth, and the shame that comes up for more self-love. This is my offering.

#therapy #mentalhealth #selfcompassion #traumarecovery #posttraumaticgrowth #healing

One of the hardest things is to feel all the way into your habitual responses, like your compulsion to control, manipulate, force, and create an outcome. It's uncomfortable as hell to drop below our defense mechanisms and explore the underlying pain. Yet, this is the path to healing.

If you wish, try to look just below the surface of your your impulses, and feel into whatever is beneath your automatic reactions.

Longing
Desire
Grief
Powerlessness
Hope
Aching emptiness

It's all there, just past your patterns, patterns that are trying to protect you. Go softly into that underneath space, touch it with gentle curiosity, and just be still with your longing. Sit next to it. If you feel ready, ask it to tell you its story, and just listen.

This gentle presence will help you turn away from relationships and people who don't see the truth of who you are. People who don't feel safe to you (your body knows exactly what that feels like). Walk away from anyone who doesn't see the beauty of you, doesn't appreciate the whole beautiful, messy package that is you.

Now, open up into your own tenderness. Stay there, sweet love. Stay with your most beautiful soul.

#selflove #selfcompassion #healingtrauma #recovery #internalfamilysystems #ptsd #traumainformed

Sometimes, you need to let yourself really gut it out, sob from the depths of your pain.

I'm talking drooling and snotting, mascara running, abs contracting, body shaking. Messy, not pretty, fuck-it-all sobbing.

Let yourself go there, feel all the way in.

Here's the catch: I'm here to remind you to wrap your tender, loving arms around that snotted up babe, and let her know she is safe and loved.

That's what I do. I hold sweet little Kristina with all the tenderness I've got in me (it's a LOT). Rock her. Love her. Tell her again and again how very loved she is.

This is the practice of reparenting, giving all your sweet little selves the nurturing that you didn't get. Again and again. Repatterning your neural pathways so that THIS tenderness, THESE loving actions become your new normal.

You love you with all the fierce, protective softness you've got.

#internalfamilysystems #mentalhealth #therapy #selfcompassion #traumarecovery #posttraumaticgrowth #familyoforigin #healing

Are parts of you working overtime to get love?

Are you stuck in patterns that feel familiar but unsatisfying?

Can you notice and hold these parts, these patterns with loving kindness?

You were once a sweet. precious child, and you learned quite innocently how to adapt in order to get whatever love, warmth, and acceptance you could.

Now, you might notice that the beliefs and behaviors that you adopted aren't contributing to the life or the relationships you desire.

I invite you to sit with that knowing and whatever feelings might arise as you do. No judgments. No shame. Just presence.

Hold that sweet part of you--and all your sweet parts--with the most tender warmth and kindness. If that's hard, then imagine a baby bird or a tiny puppy or kitten. Feel into your heart, feel the softness that you feel towards that little animal, and then let that ooze into the space with your parts. They are longing for your love.

First, hold love and compassion for your patterns, your shame, your young parts that are aching for love. This is the beginning. Just hold yourself with love.

#internalfamilysystems #traumarecovery #cptsd #posttraumaticgrowth #recovery #mentalhealth #selfcompassion

Reparenting takes tools. Music is one.

Give yourself the tenderness you didn't receive. It's not too late.

Hold yourself. Rock yourself. Love yourself.

Pour all of your sweet tenderness upon yourself. Let it seep into your bones. Let it run through your veins. Breathe in tenderness, knowing there is no scarcity.

You love you.

#internalfamilysystems #therapy #mentalhealth #reparenting #traumarecovery #selfcompassion #recovery #posttraumaticgrowth #healing

I am a strong, unapologetic woman. It has taken me decades of personal growth work to get here. I have experienced childhood trauma and neglect, depression, anxiety, sibling abuse, multiple pregnancy losses, C-PTSD, years of violence and abuse to my body through bingeing and purging, self-loathing, partner betrayal, narcissistic abuse, untreated ADHD, excrutiating perfectionism, divorce, the deaths of my parents six months apart, grief, loss.

I have also experienced huge shifts in perception, healing, and post-traumatic growth. My commitment has always been to my healing and recovery, and decades of therapy and personal growth work continue to be integral to my ongoing journey. It is humbling and trying, messy and beautiful, but I don't know how to be any other way.

That said: I am still a mess (because I'm human). I still get activated. I'm still ridiculously hard on myself. I still freak out inside and question things I said and over-analyze things. I use humor to deflect and protect. I am often late. I clean to cope with anxiety. And I can get raucous and playfully competitive when I play games.

I know I AM challenging to some people. I am raw and real and direct, and that's scary to some. I'm scared, too! Frequently! But I am willing to sit in the discomfort, to squirm and struggle, to listen to the parts of me that want to curl up in a tiny ball (my little Pill Bug part) and to listen to the parts of you that want to run for the hills. I'm here for all of this beautiful mess!

I surround myself with like-minded people. I love connection. I love relationships. And most of all, I love being with -- and insist on being with -- fellow seekers, people who meet me with their own vulnerability, curiosity, and accountability. Whole-hearted living and open-hearted conversations that bring laughter and tears are part of who I am and the basis for how I show up in the world, how I intend to show up with my future therapy clients.

#therapy #mentalhealth #selfcompassion compassion #connection #internalfamilysystems #personalgrowth #radicalselflove

Everything boils down to practice.

Well, and love.

Maybe love comes first, then practice.

Remembering self-love takes practice.

So, which is it?

Does it matter?

When I remember the essence of who I am (= LOVE), everything else falls off, like a waterfall, like a snake shedding skin, like teardrops or snowflakes.

And then I forget and remember again.

Ping pong. Hit the ball back again and again. Drop the ball. Miss. Start again. Keep going.

It's truly all there is.

When the mind wants to distract.

When parts of me want to run or turn away or shut down because the discomfort feels too awful, too unbearable.

When sweet, young parts of me would rather eat candy or chips or scroll or hunt for dopamine because it's just easier.

I return to love. Hold those parts tenderly. Ask them what they need. Attention. Play. Quiet. Rest. Dance in the kitchen. Nature. Candlelight. Talk to a friend.

I breathe, and I notice. I listen. I remember. I breathe.

It's a practice.

#traumainformed #resilience #mentalhealth #familyoforigin #cptsd #anxiety #adhd #therapy #vulnerability #radicalselfcompassion #internalfamilysystems #nervoussystemregulation #internalresources #selfworth

Slow down

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Peace is within you
In stillness
The slow gaze outside of your thoughts
You can hold your pain close
You do not need to let go
Until ready
Until you can breathe
Slowly
Notice peace
Then, hold your pain out in front of you

As you sit with this moment
And the next
Without trying to reverse
Undo
Change
Your pain grief trauma
Can become your path
To transformation

Don't try
Or force
Or push
In your surrender
You will find transformation
Liberation
You will find your strength
As your wounds
Become your guides

2022

#posttraumaticgrowth #trailheads #internalfamilysystems #therapy #familyoforigin #healing #recovery #vulnerability #mentalhealth #selfcompassion

The other day, I did some intentional journaling. I made a (partial) list of my parts so that I could consciously work on dialoging with them, loving them, and ultimately integrating them. Parts work has become an important aspect of healing my trauma and loving myself.

When I reviewed my list with a wise friend, we discovered that my inner critic had made the list, not my wise, loving, compassionate Self. How did I know this, you might ask. I know because the names I had given my parts were anything but loving. There was The Poor Girl AKA The Leech, The Know It All, The Slut, The Loser, The Needy Baby, and The Stuck in the Past Angry Girl. And of course, there was Doris, the anxious, over-analyzer. Hmm.

My sweet, well-meaning, protective, darling Inner Critic (Spike) had stepped up and taken hold of my pen while I was journaling, and I didn't even notice it until I was processing with my friend. We had a laugh, and I was quickly able to recognize that I had blended with Spike. I had forgotten Spike's innocent vigilance. I had forgotten self-compassion.

So many parts, all working over-time to protect and defend, to minimize pain, to functionalize a nervous system that sometimes gets stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn because she didn't get the attunement, the co-regulation, the skills as a child.

Loving all of our parts, even the ones we don't much like, is an act that is crucial to self-compassion, to radical self-love. And don't forget the delightful, playful, sassy, funny parts.

#internalfamilysystems #therapy #ptsd #traumarecovery #posttraumaticgrowth #recovery #partswork

The sun rises on a new day that brings curiosity, strength, grief, powerlessness, autonomy, compassion, and love. Always love in the face of growth, loss, and uncertainty.

Can you hold loving space for the parts of you that are terrified, the parts of you that find themselves suddenly in unchartered territory, the parts of you that want nothing more than to escape from some beautiful, terrifying, unfamiliar hell?

In the end, all we have is love and compassion. Sweet tiny selves inside, clinging so desperately to all that we know and running from what we want so badly.

It all makes sense. It all makes sense. It all makes sense.

Living fully takes courage.

Happy Birthday, Daddy. I miss you. I love you. I forgive you.

My dad had a fun, playful sense of humor. He was vivacious and silly. He loved people. He loved kids. He was crazy about his grandkids, and he was the kind of granddad who got down on the floor and played with them.

My dad taught me about responsibility, hard work, character, and perseverance. Even though his affection and presence were scarce, he loved me and wanted the best for me. His expectations were high, and he set me up for perfectionism, but he did his best. I know he loved me, and I am grateful for his love.

#fatherlessdaughters #death #griefandloss #griefwork #loss #familyoforigin #internalfamilysystems #attachmentinjury #perfectionism

Sweet.

Fierce.

Creative.

Determined.

Funniest person I know.

Sensitive.

Driven.

Kind.

Adorable.

Loving.

Tender.

Masculine.

Smart.

Animated.

What a gift it is to be this young man's mom. I remember finding out I was pregnant after having had one miscarriage. I was thrilled, anxious, and enthralled with every moment of my pregnancy.

I remember the first time I felt him move inside me, little flutters and bubbles that grew into kicks and rolls.

I remember the anticipation I felt to meet him, to hold him, to nurture this little human bundle of love.

That baby grew into the most precious, delightful, high-spirited, passionate, playful boy! He memorized entire books, acted out scenes from movies, BECAME his favorite characters, danced on the bed, roared like a dragon, and embodied a T-rex.

Teenager: quoting movies, making movies, self-teaching special FX, making pizza, reading voraciously, making us laugh.

Young man: spreading his wings, bravely taking on New York City, acting conservatory, bartending, traveling, relationships, expanding, growing, becoming.

@Baileysmartz, you are a bright light, a loving soul, a good man. I love you. Happy Birthday to you, dear son!

You're so needy.

You're too needy.

Ewwww.

You're going to scare him away.

Don't be so needy.

That's unattractive.

Too much. Too much. Too much.

You shouldn't have needs.

Be strong. Independent. Tough.

Don't have needs.

Have you downloaded any of these messages? I did.

They haunted me. Made me feel less than. Defective. Damaged. Fucked up. Bad. Wrong. Ugly. Unattractive. Broken.

My trauma response was to shut off my needs, to make them bad. I became hyper-independent, hyper-traditional-acculturated-masculine. Told myself I didn't need anyone. I could do everything myself.

That wasn't sustainable. I was exhausted. Overwhelmed. ANGRY.

In my healing, I recognize I have parts that have needs. Now, I practice accepting those parts. I am reminded to EMBRACE those precious parts of mine.

I am internally and externally resourced. I know who to go to when those parts need attention. I have the tools to self-soothe. I allow myself to have needs because I allow my human-ness. I allow myself to feel the twitching that can arise when I have needs, to notice the self-criticism and shame that want to take over, and to lovingly wrap those parts in care and acceptance.

Please give yourself the gift of loving all your parts with tenderness and compassion.

#traumainformed #womeninrecovery #healingtrauma #betrayaltrauma #resiliency #transformation #internalfamilysystems #posttraumaticgrowth

Grief and loss give way to transformation. Contraction flows into expansion. Chaos shifts to peace. For now.

Here are some new and good things that have evolved in my life.

1. Peace. I have settled into a new home: the sweetest cottage-style house with hydrangeas and a creek in the backyard (like my old home). I am surrounded by things that bring me joy. I've incorporated some of each of my parents' belongings, things that remind me of them and make me feel happy. It's all good.

2. The people and relationships that brought me pain, betrayal, and trauma are history. I am free from unhealthy entanglements, and there is only space in my life for love and kindness.

3. I have continued therapy, IFS (internal family systems), EMDR, and training on somatic bodywork and nervous system regulation to heal C-PTSD and support my grief process. I miss my parents. I love myself.

4. I have been strength training consistently for nearly a year and a half. I love the confidence and self-trust that I feel as a result of keeping promises to myself. I believe in myself in a way that transcends hypothetical "knowing." I claim my physical strength!

5. I got a puppy! Zoey is adorable and smart, bringing me joy, even if she eats everything. Everything. Shoes, furniture, walls, dirt.

6. I started a master's program in Clinical Mental Health Counseling last year, and I love it. I have wanted to be a therapist since I was 15. It's never too late to actualize your dreams!

7. I am deeply grateful for my good friends: online and real-life women who hold and carry each other with the strength and tenderness of 100 mothers. We counsel, confer, listen, laugh, cry, and sing. I am bonded with many wise women.

8. I cherish the relationships I have with my two grown children. They like me. They want to spend time with me. Most importantly, they are thriving, sensitive, strong, and wise humans whom I admire more than words can say.

It is a gift to be alive, to have a body, to know pain and courage, longing and joy. Aging is the strangest trip, yet with it comes so much beautiful complexity. Life is rich and good.
#traumainformed #grief #transformation #recovery #polyvagaltheory

Three years since you left, Mama. My heart still longs for you. My ears still miss the sound of your voice, your laugh. My arms still want to wrap around you.

You are gone, but you're not. I am left with pieces of you etched in my soul. Parts of you have become parts of me that will never die. I am forever changed, forever blessed, and forever cursed because of you. My first love. My mom. I love you so, damn you. I forgive you. I love you. I want you to tell me you love me, you're proud of me, you see me, you'll never leave me. And you do love me, I know it. Sweet heart, sweet mama.

Thank you for the gift of your love. Thank you for always listening to me. Thank you for laughing and giggling with me. Thank you for the shit you said that made me question myself so that I could grow and learn the truth of who I am. Thank you for being so much fun, so silly and playful and creative and strong. Thank you for fiercely loving my babies.

Oh, what a gift. Another fucking gift to grow through and from, because of and in spite of. My mama. I hope you are getting all the coffee ice cream you ever wanted.

Love, your Krissy

Lynn Eleanor McKinley Smart Neutra
Jan 1, 1936 - Jun 8, 2021

Happy birthday, Bailey! My firstborn, you changed everything.

Your passion, sensitivity, depth, humor, zest for life, insight, wit, perseverance and loving spirit has taught me so much about life, about myself, and I'm forever so very happy that you were born.

What a joy it is to know you.

What a joy it has been and continues to be to walk this path together.

I'm so glad you were born.

Love,
Mom

07/18/96

@baileysmartz

#boymom #parentingadultchildren #momlife #grateful #birthday #familydynamics #childrenareteachers #generationalhealing #proudmama #mothersandsons #boytoman #growingup #healingpatterns #innerchildhealing #healingtrauma #loveistheway #alwayslearningalwaysgrowing

I miss you, mama.

I have grown in these two years since you died. I have cried so many tears, felt the heavy arms of grief wrap around me, sometimes crushing me.

I have loved her, raged at her, understood her, been grateful for her, wounded by her. She was ready to go, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready, Mama!

She used to say, "I'm so done, so ready to go. But you just lost your dad. It's too much for you." And I said, "Mom, I will be OK. You go when YOU need to go. I will miss you so much, but I know you're done."

Sometimes I wonder why I tried so hard to be valiant, to say the right things, to be mature and strong. What if I had just said, "No, mom, please don't go yet. I still need you."?

Death doesn't care if you're ready or not. And so, I've learned to let the waves of grief take me. Learned to celebrate the good things, to make space for my rage and sadness, and to focus on healing my trauma.

Grief and loss and trauma are messy, messy things. Loss of a parent (or two) is complex. We had a wild, emotional, tumultuous relationship. My deep love for her was matched with deep wounding, pain and trauma that she left for me to deal with. And so, I do.

Thank you, Mama, for all of your love. I miss our long talks, analyzing everything. I miss your wacky, playful, irreverent humor. I miss cracking up with you and making you laugh. I miss your undying adoration for my kids. I miss eating ice cream with you and teasing you about the time you almost burned my house down making microwave popcorn.

Don't forget the Trader Joe's coffee bean blast ice cream.

@baileysmartz
@macysmartz
@kaseycampbell7397

#motherlove #motherhunger #griefjourney #deathanddying #trauma #dysfunctionalfamily #familydynamics #familyoforigin #attachmentwounds #motherdaughter #psychology #innerchildhealing #healingtrauma #generationaltrauma #celebratelife #missingmom

This girl. 22 years ago today, she came into the world, and life has never been the same since!

My heart expanded when I had a daughter. Born at home in a pool of water with her dad, her 4-year-old big brother, two midwives, a doula, my best friend and her 9-month-old son, this little one was welcomed with pure joy and love.

Curious and adventurous, full of enthusiasm and light, with a generous dose of spritely sass - and she is still all of this and more. I love her sense of humor, her self-awareness, her confidence and fierce determination. I marvel at how comfortable she is in her body, her strength and grit, and her commitment to herself.

Happy Birthday, dear Macy! What a gift it's been (and still is) to be your mom.

#motherhood #homebirth #empoweringwomen #fiercefeminine #daughters

This is your reminder to give yourself a break. Ask for help. Slow down. Add more gentleness to each day.

You are sick, tired, or overworked. You are dealing with grief, heartbreak, or conflict. You're a mom; you're running a business; you're trying to meet deadlines. You have untreated trauma, or maybe you're in early recovery from an addiction.

When life is extra, your ability to manage stress is stretched. Isn't life always extra? Pretty much. So, be good to yourself.

#selfcompassion #therapy #personalgrowth #support #emotionalregulation #youarenotalone #connection #traumainformed #traumahealing #cptsdrecovery #recovery #grief #griefjourney #holistichealth #familydynamics #innerchildhealing

Until you heal your trauma, you will react to the people and events in your life as though you are still a child, navigating the dysfunction, codependency, neglect or abuse that you experienced in your family of origin.

Even though you hit your 18th birthday or you moved out on your own, your brain has already been hard wired in response to the way you were parented. There's no switch that just flips to "ok, I'm an adult now, and I magically know how to respond in healthy, grounded, regulated ways!".

The formative years in childhood shape who we are, how we respond, how we view ourselves, how we experience and manage conflict, how trustworthy we believe others are, and more. As emotionally conscious, sensitive, inquisitive people, we spend the rest of our lives healing, reshaping our perspectives, rewiring our nervous systems, and learning who we are and how to engage with others.

Give yourself grace. Listen to your inner child. Commit to a life of personal growth and healing. Get support. You deserve it!

#healingtrauma #innerchildwork #youareworthy #internalfamilysystems #familydynamics #selfcompassion #empoweringwomen #nervoussystemregulation #woundedchild #vagusnerve #emotionalregulation

Life rarely turns out like we plan or hope for. When we got married in 1992, we both hoped for a long life, shared together. We got that, but our relationship morphed, and our marriage ran its course.

How lucky am I that I get to celebrate this amazing man's birthday, again? Today, I'm wishing this guy the happiest of days! I'm so proud of us for navigating one of life's toughest situations, for making our way through the muck and still loving each other! ❤️

Because of @ben.zimmerman.129, I traveled the world, climbed a volcano, pedaled thousands of miles, went spelunking in New Zealand, raised two fantastic babies-children-young adults, explored the US and Canada for 6 six months in a camper/trailer, homeschooled our kids, and sooo many more adventures!

Happy Birthday, Ben! So grateful for your loving support and encouragement, for seeing me and always having my back, and for being my cheerleader. You're the best!

#consciousuncoupling #family #lifeafterdivorce #familydynamics #friendsafterdivorce #bestfriends #resilience #attachmentstyles #codependency #commitment

What makes you feel good?

Nope, not what do you think you SHOULD do.

What feels good in your body?

What makes you feel loved?

What makes you smile?

Is it movement? Going to the gym? Getting outside? Curling up on the couch? Taking a bath?

I want you to make a list. Write down all the things you can think of that make you feel good, special, loved.

Forget the tasks that have been etched in your brain for decades, things like exercise, go to the dentist, clean out the pantry, wash the car, organize your closet. That's not what I mean. Those are for a different list, but not today.

Just make the Feel Good list. Then pick one thing, and do it.

#selflove #traumarecovery
#healing #perfectionismsucks #personalgrowth #recoverytools #youareenough #familyoforigin #codependentnomore #selfparenting #nurture #radicalacceptance #selfcompassion #therapy #cptsdrecovery

Get curious with your inner critic.

When you can truly understand and appreciate her innocence, the wise, loving mama part of you will feel compassionate and tender towards the inner bully part of you.

You see WHY she says what she says. You get WHERE she came from. You embrace her intentions.

AND....while you embrace her intention, her desire to protect you from pain, rejection, embarrassment, abandonment, etc, you also begin to gently change the stories that you've subconsciously attached yourself to.

The misguided, unkind things that your inner bully says to you aren't true.

You DO belong.

You ARE lovable and worthy and incredible.

You ARE beautiful, inside and out.

You ARE smart and funny and creative and strong and wise and likeable and important.

You can both love the inner critic part of you and her intentions AND set healthy boundaries with her by not allowing her negative, punishing stories to take hold.

You get to create positive, loving self-talk that lifts you up and reinforces your inner KNOWING about who you are!

#innerknowing #authenticity #innerchildhealing #traumainformed #personalgrowth #selfcompassion #therapy #recovery #perfectionism #ptsd #attachmentwounds #familyoforigin #womenhelpingwomen #selflove #empoweringwomen #healingtrauma #changethenarrative #innercritic #youareenough #protectorparts

There are self-help circles that suggest you tell your inner mean girl to go to hell. Or that you extinct the inner critic. Shut the perfectionist out. Turn the volume down when you hear the inner “chatterbox” trying to boss you around, ridicule you or shame you for that thing you just did or said.

The truth is, that critical voice inside your head is the voice of an innocent part of you. Yes, that part of you is looking out for you, trying to protect you from experiencing more pain.

Our protector parts mean well. They come from deep pain, trauma responses: leftover parts from our childhoods.

When we begin to recognize the innocence of these voices, we can use deep compassion and listening as a means to heal.

Of course, first you need to detangle the narratives that have become embedded into your personality. Practice curiosity when the old stories come up, when you feel yourself going into self-punishment, shame, embarrassment, guilt. Those feelings can be powerful signals that your thoughts are part of a trauma response, and that’s when you can start to lean towards perfectionism. Get curious with your inner critic.

Yes, she’s often unkind, even relentless. She criticizes you and picks on you, beats you down, and tells you you should have done things differently or shouldn’t have done something. You’re never good enough, you’re too this or too that. She may even call you names.

She can be mean, but only because this truly sweet, innocent part of you is unskilled. She’s actually quite desperate to protect you, but she just doesn’t have the skills. It’s like putting a child in the driver’s seat of a car. She means well, but she is so far out of her league! This is why, once you recognize her, it’s so important to put her in the backseat while you listen to what she has to say to you.

You may need support to help you detangle and un-enmesh from your very smart, very innocent, and very protective parts. As you learn to listen and honor those parts of you with the strong, wise part of you, they begin to loosen their hold over your nervous system. You don’t need to shut them up. You just need to listen!

Self-care is so much more than smoothies!

Last September, I started working out regularly, and I have experienced some big shifts and had some huge "ah-has" along the way.

Three things I have learned since leveling up my self-care routine:

1) I'm in it for the long haul, not for an immediate, radical visual change. When I feel impatient to see big changes in my physical appearance, I remember that this is a lifestyle change and not a quick fix. I want longevity, strength, energy, vibrance. I look forward to seeing the results of changing my body composition, but patience is my friend.

2) Since I started strength training, I no longer experience chronic back pain. This has been a pleasant surprise!

3) I like myself more. I accept that I'm imperfect. My workouts haven't been 100% consistent, and that's ok. I have traveled, had major dental work, and been sick, all things that have limited my ability to work out as often as I'd like. And it's been OK! I accept the bumps in the road, and I have learned to be more appreciative of my imperfections.

The process mirrors the messiness of life. Keep showing up for yourself, even when things are hard.

Big thanks to my virtual trainer/coach @coachmatt_mckinley!

#radicalselfcare #selfcompassion #healingtrauma #mentalhealh #personalgrowth #loveyoyrself #innerchild #correctiveparenting #vagusnerve #nervoussystem #emotionalintelligence #emotionalregulation #recovery #recoverytools #bodybuilding

It was a good birthday!

Many of my passions were included: beauty, nature, good food, whales. gorgeous sunset, good people, dancing.

I'm finding my joy.

Life is simpler when you focus on what brings you joy, what makes you feel good, what makes you feel loved and connected versus when you're searching for the biggest, best, most fabulous and amazingly elusive incredible, powerful, meaningful purpose.

Perfectionism makes everything so.much harder.

#perfectionismsucks #mentalhealth #loveyourself #healingtrauma #radicalselfcompassion #innerchildwork #cptsd #personalgrowthjourney #internalfamilysystems #selfparenting #nervoussystemregulation

Are you curious or frustrated or outraged at some of the conflicts or predicaments you find yourself in? I have been, too. It's completely understandable, and you can learn the skills to get more aligned with your feelings, needs, and values.

Lack of boundaries. Lack of awareness about what you think or feel. People pleasing. These are unconsciously developed patterns that keep you from being authentic. These patterns are trying to protect you from perceived impending discomfort or pain, so clearly they come from an innocent place. BUT, they end up making life much more complicated. Communication feels frosty and vague. You feel resentful and often don't even know why. Or you feel guilty, twisted in knots, reactive.

Think about when you avoid direct communication, speaking your truth, or making a commitment. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of? Likely, there is a part of you that's worried that someone will get mad at you or feel disappointed in you. Maybe they'll even think you're a jerk. You're so mentally caught up in managing the outcome (yes, manipulating) that you step outside of your own desires or needs just to avoid confrontation.

You are not bad. We all do this stuff! If you want to live more authentically and feel better about your relationships, have more clarity about what works for you and what doesn't, and gain insight into why it's hard to say no, I invite you to start noticing when these things come up for you.

First, just notice when you feel resentful or guilty or when you struggle to speak up. Feel into the sensations in your body. Do you have a pit in your stomach? Does your heart rate increase? Do you feel like your blood is boiling, or maybe you feel empty inside, frozen? Do you feel compelled to help or say yes before you've checked in with yourself?

It is OK to say no.

It is OK to say I don't know.

It is OK to say I'd rather not or this doesn't work for me or I changed my mind.

#mentalhealth #boundaries #perfectionism #selfawarenessjourney
#empoweredwomen #authenticity #psychology #innerwork #personalgrowth #adaptivebehaviors #empowerment #emotionalintelligence #growthmindset #traumainformed #cptsdrecovery #traumarecovery

Overwhelm. Anxiety. Spinning out.

When your mind is racing and you feel panicky.

It feels like a tornado in your head. Thoughts out of control, your internal narrative says there are just too many things to do. A part of you is telling you discouraging things like: you'll never get it done, it's just too much, don't forget this and that, how could you have done/said that, what about x, y and z?????

You can handle this. Time to take a pause. Remind yourself that these are simply thoughts and that you have the tools to calm the storm.

Go slow. Be gentle. Feel the sensations in your body. Breathe through your nose. Tune into your senses. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, feel?

Regulate your nervous system. Soothing touch helps you get back into your body and helps to remind your brain that you are safe. All is well.

These are skills that you can learn.

#nervoussystemregulation #psychology #traumainformed #empoweringwomen #strongwomen #womensupportingwomen #fiercewomen #familydynamics #yourneedsmatter
#therapyworks
#emotionaltrauma
#cptsdrecovery
#readytoheal
#learningtoloveyourself
#healingemotionalwounds
#generationalhealing
#generationaltrauma
#healingheartbreak
#complicatedgrief
#cptsdrecovery
#unmetneeds

When we are dealing with untreated trauma, mental/emotional/psychological wounding from childhood, grief or loss, or unhealthy coping skills like addictive behaviors, our prefrontal cortex doesn't function as its meant to.

You may be living in a constant state of either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn--and not even know it.

You may be in constant overwhelm and feel unable to carry out "normal" daily activities. Or you may be extremely rigid and hard on yourself, pressuring yourself to perform, do more, be "better."

For much of my life, I have felt that overwhelm. Creating any sort of structure to my day has, at times, felt like an impossible challenge. Yes, I have ADHD, and I'm definitely not going to minimize that. Mix that up with some complex PTSD and massive grief and loss, and I have often felt like I was slogging through a sea of molasses.

I truly felt that I DID. NOT. KNOW. I didn't know what to with my day. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know how to have fun. I didn't know what felt good or what brought me joy. I couldnt get to tny inner knowing.

But here is what I know: with therapy coaching, rest, journaling, intentional movement, good friends, and other healing modalities, I remembered that I do know. And so do you.

What we know inherently can be fogged over with pain and unhealed trauma, but it's under there. All of your wisdom, your inner knowing is below the clouds. Healing can't be done in isolation--we need connection so we can remember the truth of who we are.

🔥 click the link in my bio to set up a discovery call so we can help you remember.

#complexptsd #selfcompassion #radicalselflove #therapy #personalgrowthjourney #traumainformed #recovery #edrecovery #attachmentwounding #traumabonding #innerchildhealing #reparenting #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #compassion #vagusnerve #healingtrauma

Listen to how you talk to yourself.

Listen to how much you hype everyone else up.

Seriously, how you scream and cheer and root for your favorite team. Or how excited and moved you feel when your favorite actor wins an award. How thrilled are you when someone you know gets a raise or a new job, buys a new car, or is somehow appreciated or recognized for something they've done.

When your best friend is down or your partner feels less than confident, you remind them of how incredible they are.

But do you do the same for yourself?

Pay attention to your self-talk. Begin to notice, and then shift gears if you find that your anything less than enthusiastic and supportive.

We can change our self perceptions with self-awareness and redirection.

#therapy #selfcompassion #recovery #holisticheaing #traumaresponse #neuralrepatterning #selhealing #limitingbeliefs #nervoussystemregulation #complexptsd #personalgrowth #codependency #traumainformed

This is your daily reminder to be sweet to yourself!

How about forgiving yourself for choices you've made in the past, actions you took, people you let in -- because you only knew what you knew?

I have felt frustrated because I let less-than-healthy people slip under my radar. Sad because I missed red flags. Irritated with myself because I didn't see through facades, phony behavior, way-too-friendly-and-overly-nicey-nice individuals who I later realized were manipulative and unhealthy.

It is easy to spend a ridiculous amount of energy and time in the "coulda-shoulda-woulda" zone, but my sweet, you and I, we did the very best we could at the time with the resources and knowledge that we had.

When you look at the big picture, it all makes sense. Look at how you grew up, the overt and covert messages you received. Look at how you were loved (or not loved).

It makes perfect sense that you believed what you did, you chose who you did, you went where you went. Be sweet to yourself, for you are innocent.

Beating up on yourself doesn't serve you. Loving yourself does.

#personalgrowth #healingtrauma #selfcompassion #loveyourself #youareworthy #youareenough #attachmentstyle #complexptsd #innerchildhealing #recovery #codependentnomore #neuralrepatterning #therapy

What is one small thing you can do for yourself, one thing you can commit to doing on a daily basis?

My wish is for you to pick something, anything, and just go with it. Don't wait for the perfect time, better weather, someone to do it with. Just take 5 minutes and stick to it. Wanna write? Grab some paper and write for five minutes. Meditate--just sit in silence for a few minutes. Stretch or walk or do jumping jacks. Get outside and walk for 5 minutes, then turn around and come back.

Now, repeat.

Consistency builds trust. Trust builds safety. When you begin a new sef-care habit (sit down and pay your bills every Wednesday night, or floss your teeth every day), you are creating new neural pathways, new positive, affirming experiences. These kinds of experiences send multiple messages to your brain:

You are worthy of attention and care.

You are lovable.

You are dependable.

You are strong.

You are trustworthy.

You are adored.

You are safe.

The more you create and repeat even small, seemingly innocent positive experiences, the more you heal your brain. You heal past trauma and transform old mistaken beliefs that don't serve you.

Try it, and let me know how it goes.

#polyvagaltheory #psychology #neuralplasticity #traumahealing #recovery #selfcompassion complexptsd #Holistichealing #nervoussystemreset #personaldevelopment #youareworthy #youareenough #attachmentstyles #loveyourself #radicalselflove

If you want the truth about how to transform your self-image, I'm telling you right here.

Crush on yourself!

Pretend, if you must, that you are the one you're crushing on. Shower yourself with sweetness. Go out of your way to do good things for yourself.

Eat yummy foods. Dance. Romance yourself with candles. Sing your praises. Move your body. Notice your positive qualities. Be playful and nurturing. Follow through on your promises to yourself.

Small actions repeated over time show all of your inner parts that you are trustworthy, dependable, reliable and loving. Your little girl, who learned that her needs didn't matter, will soften and relax as you show her that her needs DO matter. Your self concept will transform and your confidence will grow.

Crush on yourself. It's one way to grow.

#innerchildhealing #personalgrowth #loveyourself #radicaselflove #selfcompassion #youareenough #therapy #traumahealing #complexptsd #nervoussystemreset #polyvagaltheory #emotionalregulation #familyoforigin #victimmindset #womensuppportingwomen

We push and push and push.

We judge ourselves.

We SHOULD ourselves.

We tell ourselves we're lazy or we're slackers.

"I didn't get anything done today."

"I'm such a slug."

""I meant to--should have--was supposed to..."

What if you saw yourself through the eyes of pure love and unconditional acceptance?

What if you believed in your goodness, in your enough-ness? Right now. Before you've conquered the world or done all the things in your never-ending to-do list.

I invite you now to see your worth, to see your gorgeous, adorable, precious self through the most tender eyes.

How does that feel? I want you to feel the unwavering, pure love of a mother for her tiny baby. She is gazing into your eyes, overflowing with joy and love and sheer delight JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN!

You are the tiny, sweet baby. And you are the adoring mother, absolutely beaming with love because this miracle of a being -- you -- exists. Feel the love. Feel it in every cell of your amazing body. Feel with every piece of you that you need do nothing at all to be loved. To BE love.

This love is yours.

#traumainformed #innerchildhealing #attachmentstyle #familyoforigin #radicalselflove #innocence #selfcompassion #personalgrowth #therapy #youareworthy #youareenough #empoweredwomen #womensupportingwomen #complexptsd #reparenting #healingtrauma

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